Secret Association for Villainous Endeavors

Moving Day!!!

2010-04-02T00:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, Just as quickly as I've staked down the hearts of several villains here, I'm pulling up said stakes and relocating my evil. I will soon be consolidating both my Podcast shows and my text-based blogging at my new site:

www.savethevillain.com

So come on over and enjoy the Fresh, new Evil!

It's like Wal-Mart for Supervillains!

2010-03-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

I usually don’t endorse commercial industries, but I wouldn’t be a Supervillain if I didn’t break rules, including my own, would I?

I was recently re-visiting older sites in my bookmarks, and I was reminded of the utter coolness of ThinkGeek as a source of fun, equipment, and general villainous warm-fuzzies. Just look at the advertising for this spinning globe. They specifically market to supervillains! How cool is that?!?

They cater to vampires, Sith in training, DIY Destroyers, and even villains who like a deadly wake-up call! All evil walks of life can find some sort of fun item in their voluminous stores.

So if you’re finding yourself likely to probe their inventory, or even if you don’t give a flying F*ck, just remember I tried to steer you towards ThinkGeek, or I might have to break out the shockball and some duct tape.

Thank you, Now give me my 2 hours back!

2010-03-29T06:16:00.000-07:00

Finally thousands of people's gripes are vindicated. JD Shapiro has published a public apology for writing Battlefield Earth. Villains, heroes, and victims all can agree that Battlefield earth was one of the worst movies ever, if not the worst. I've seen Ishtar, so I consider myself pretty versed in bad film, and B. E. struck me as stupid in several places. I won't go over it, because it will make me have to remember the movie.
(Aargh, Flashback! Learning to fly a jet fighter in a week! Aaargh!)
Okay, I'm better now. And I'm happy for the apology, but I want a time machine so I can go back in time and stop myself from watching that. And maybe to kick L. Ron Hubbard in the nuts.

From the Makers of the Underwater Plane...

2010-03-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

Now, if you don't want to be inconspicuous under the water, you can hover above it, sort of, in the new Flying Boat!

The new Hydroptere floats at high speeds on wing-like foils, so much like the Underwater Plane, the Flying Boat does not actually Fly! Perfect for the Supervillain with a love of speed and little sense of self-preservation!

Inventor, and possible villain Alain Thebault says, "Many years ago when I said I wanted to make a boat fly people said I was crazy." That puts him well on the way to being a Mad Scientist!

So order yours today!

(Makers of Flying Boat are not liable for personal injury, collateral damage, or acts of superhero)

Making Light of Not Getting it Right...

2010-03-24T11:28:00.000-07:00

Schadenfreude. Hard to spell, difficult to pronounce, Awesome to experience. As a Supervillain I live to see others screw up (when they are NOT my own Henchmen) and several of my most fond childhood memories involve watching Bloopers shows hosted by Dick Clark. (Anyone else remember this, or am I once again the old man on the Internet?)

But sitting down to watch other people mess up isn't always convenient. So I present to you a list of several sites to see others' faux pas, errors, flubs, and downright fails.

Failblog - Fails of all sorts, captured forever in picture and video.
Failbooking - Ever wonder what Facebook is for? It's for finding hilarious Status messages!
There, I Fixed it - If I were ever to undertake a fix-it project, these would be the results.
Engrish Funny - Some things are lost in translation, These translations gain Hilarity!
Monday Thru Friday - Fails in the workplace!
Learn from My Fail - People kind enough to give you advice based on their own screwups!
Probably Bad News - Funny news failures. (No, It's not all FOX news)

So go out there and derive joy from others' misfortune. It's just Human Nature!

Law & Order: Magical Intent?

2010-03-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

Supervillains with Magical powers should take care in their travels. And specifically stay away from Saudi Arabia. Apparently their religious police have ways of finding you, and you could end up on the wrong end of a Death Sentence.

I'm sure they employ Spell-sniffing dogs and conduct cavity searches to find bags of holding. So keep your wits about you, those guys mean business, and I'm sure the other denizens of their prisons will perform the magical disappearing sausage trick on you if you fail to defend yourself.

And they will be happy to do repeat performances for as long as it takes you to appeal, have the appeal overturned, and beg the king to stay your execution...

Oh, this warning doesn't just concern magical Supervillains, but anyone who "predicts the future" on television, like TV Psychics, weathermen, really good guessers, etc. And I bet Harry Potter fans might warrant a cavity search or two there...

Meet the new Evil book, same as the old Evil Book...

2010-03-15T16:55:00.000-07:00

As I peruse a recent article about a book called The 48 Laws of Power, The first thing that comes to mind is, “Gee, that would be an excellent resource for Supervillains.” Then I wonder if there could be anything in it that can’t be boiled down to one of 3 excellent resources for Supervillains that already exist. These 3 are what I believer should be the cornerstone of any Supervillain’s personal education, and exemplifies all the things you need to consider when climbing through the ranks of villainy.

The first of these resources is The Prince by Machiavelli. Although the rules, anecdotes and lessons within are most useful to an actual Prince or Leader of Nations, it still has valuable information that you can use as soon as you get to a situation where you find yourself in charge of something(s) or someone(s). Although a tad bit draconian, it can easily be tamed to avoid overpowering one's underlings too much.

The second is The Art of War by Sun Tzu. There is a version of this book for just about everyone (I personally have one that includes flash cards of all of the lessons, with brief explanations on the back). It will help you to attack your problems head on, or flank them effectively. It will tell you how to strike down adversity, and defend your vulnerable points. If ever there was a book that was literally full of win, this is it (especially the part about thinking about failure being the precursor to failure). The lessons are like Fortune cookies on the surface, but an all-you-can-eat buffet of knowledge underneath. Bon appetit!

The third source I swear by is all over the Internet, and comes in more forms than you can shake a stick at. It is known as the Evil Overlord List, and it includes a fix for just about every problem a supervillain (Especially one bent on global domination) can run into when they lose perspective and forget the little things. From ways to keep your plan from being derailed to helpful hints on dealing with your Henchmen, The List has just about everything, considering how many different versions there are.

So, I might take a peek at "The 48 Laws of Power", but I'm probably going to stick to the big 3 fountains of Evil knowledge I already have.

Great Men in Supervillainy : Rube Goldberg

2010-03-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

On July 4, 1883, a man was born who would change the face of supervillainy. Before this man's rise to fame, Supervillains generally used simple plans, such as "enter bank, brandish weapons, take money leave."

After the advent of the Rube Goldberg Device, Supervillainy became more flamboyant, more creative, and just better all around. Out were the simple, boring snatch & grabs; to be a True Supervillain you had to concoct a confusing, indirect and inefficient plot, preferably with a giant spring or mallet involved. No longer would a Supervillain be satisfied by simply shooting and killing their archnemesis, when they have access to rope, vats of acid, rats, and peanut butter. A new age of Supervillainy was born, and such sensibilities continue to this day.

Even musical group OK Go are getting into the act, hiring 60 engineers and technicians to construct a Rube Goldberg Machine to do all their work making a video for their new single. And the resulting Youtube video is now stealing time from people all over the internet. Supervillainy at its finest.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to pop the baloon to scare the cage full of psychic squirrels into running across my keyboard to type and publish this article, as I think of it really hard...

*POP*

Economy 1, Superheroes 0

2010-03-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

I can barely keep myself from laughing out loud, since I read about Poor Peter Parker's Picture-taking Paycheck Predicament. I can't help imagining Spider-man living out of a box under a bridge, or huddled up in Central Park, webbing up hobos for their cans of beans.

I'm sure some of you (who are behind the times) are thinking, "It's OK, his wife MaryJane's Supermodel career will see them through" But Oh, No! Thanks to an uncharacteristic deal with the devil, That Marriage never existed! Oh, Crap, this is funny!

The Economic Downturn is rapidly rising through the ranks of supervillainy, without actually having a physical form, and is on its way toward becoming Villain of the Year, if it keeps targeting superheroes like this. Maybe by the end of the year IronMan will have to sell his heavy metals for scrap, and make his next suit out of tinfoil. Oh, I can picture the Homeless Hero League now. "Will Save the Innocent for Food," indeed.

Unchecked Emigration

2010-02-18T07:01:00.000-08:00

If you're the type of supervillain who fears the unknown, or if you just don't like the idea of some outworlder moving into your neighborhood, you probably watch the skies at night with a laser pistol ready. Put it away, though, because there's little use to it. If you were pushed into a paranoid frenzy when the US Air Force released some of their classified information on UFO sightings, prepare to hide under your chair: Britain just did the same thing.

As far as the article says, there have been no sightings of flying blue police boxes, but it seems like everything else has flown through their skies. There must be every sort of alien life form wandering about over there. Perhaps Torchwood was more of a documentary than a Science Fiction show.

And of course, where there's aliens, there are Alien Overlord Wannabes. So if you're an Earth-born supervillain, keep your eyes peeled, that three-armed man with the plausible world domination plans might not just be a mutant with a good head on his shoulders, he might be competition from another planet.

One more step towards Sex with a Cylon

2010-02-08T06:04:00.000-08:00

OK. I tried to avoid it, but apparently it's big news when some nerd makes a sexbot.
I won't go into the fact that the thing looks a little manly (I assume that's due to the inventor not having any real-world experience with "women"), and I won't talk about the "Simulated orgasm" that's basically a vibrate mode.

What I will talk about, however, is the advanced AI that the creator invented. I'm not positive, but I believe it's this video where he talks about the various personalities that the robot can have, and the future option to create your own personalities and trade them over the Internet. Apparently he made the AI and couldn't come up with a better way to use it than make a sex robot around it.

Is it just me, or does the idea of robot personalities traveling across the internet spook anyone else? I can hear Skynet knocking on the door. Imagine if someone makes an emulator to allow your computer to run Roxxy Sexbot personality modules. Then someone else makes a Global Dominatrix personality, and runs it in the emulator. I don't like the idea of my computer outclassing me as a Supervillain.

Don't get me wrong, I support Robot Rights, and my own M.I.N.I.O.N. is smart as a whip, but I'm the supervillain in our relationship, and she's programmed not to forget it. Too much personality would just get in the way of our flawless, evil dynamic.

So keep your robot personalities in your Roxxy, gents. The world will be safer.

By the way, I notice he's working on a male version, named Rocky. I hear he can make you one in just seven days.

It's like they do the work FOR you!

2010-02-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

Supervillains with a scientific bent can relax a little and revise their genetic manipulation plans. According to sources, the American Government is collecting all the genetic samples you'll need to start your Master Race/Mutant Slave experiments.

Now you don’t have to run around and poach hair follicles and blood smears from random dumpsters and back alleys. One simple break-in at your local Government Storage Facility and you can waltz out with dozens of samples. Better yet, the blood is from newborns, so your samples will be untainted by drugs, disease, or environmental impurities!

If that isn’t enough, they’re labeled! If need be, you can track down the child in question and check their vitals, their development, or hell, just take them for parts if they’re perfect for your plans! Never before has a genetic cornucopia been so easy to collect!

I tip my hat to the US Government for such a boon to villainy. Whoever said Government was a necessary evil didn’t know how right they were!

Advances in Villainous Transport

2010-02-02T07:45:00.000-08:00

Ever try to swim to your secluded island laboratory?
Have problems walking to your hidden base on the bottom of the sea?
Do you know the heartache of failing to walk on water to your latest heist?

Well, Supervillains, Virgin Limited Edition has the solution for you!

Yes, now you can get your own underwater plane! Handles like a dream, dives deep, and even has that "New Underwater Plane" Scent!

Rent one, or steal one of your own now!

( Virgin Limited Edition is not liable for stolen underwater planes, underwater planes cannot fly in the air)

Avatar, the Last Box Office Bender

2010-02-01T06:06:00.001-08:00

No, I have not seen Avatar.
No, I don't expect to see it in the theater.
Yes, I know it's supposed to be awesome.
Yes, I know it's beating the snot out of every movie that's come out since it premiered.

But I haven't had the inclination to watch it since I heard that it's basically Dances With Wolves in space. Don't get me wrong, I loved Dances, but I'm just not willing to sell pints of my blood to watch it in Imax (Damn it, I almost spelled that iMax; curse you, Steve Jobs!) nor do I care to watch it in 3d. I'll wait until I can watch it at home, where I can go get a soda or pop some popcorn for less than $20.

I can't say I'm not intrigued by the new CGI technology used to make the movie, and I can't say that the plot, although derivative, is a bad one. But I recognize the deep inherent villainy in selling people popcorn with lots of salt, then soda to quench their thirst, then sit them in a two and a half hour movie where you will miss something critical if you zip off to the restroom, making you have to watch it again.

It's really powerful villainy, though. Makes me kinda jealous.

An Icon in Subversion Fades Away.

2010-01-29T09:38:00.000-08:00

In case you don't follow "celebrity" deaths, The author J.D. Salinger has died.

Conspiracy theorists and paranoid Law Enforcement agents alike know him as the man who wrote the (allegedly) single most subversive novel ever written, The Catcher in the Rye. I never read it, but now I think I will. I'm nothing if not a supporter of subversive literature. If it's as juicy as the media always makes it seem, I'll recommend it to all my Henchmen.

Remember, Reading is Fundamental... especially for Supervillains.

The Danger of the Two Word Name

2010-01-20T06:01:00.000-08:00

Just a heads up to neophyte supervillains. You may think you're hot stuff, you may dodge the assault of tights-wearing semi-heroes on a daily basis, but you need to beware. The second most troublesome entity in the life of a villain might take you by surprise. They don't wear costumes and they don't use codenames. In fact, they usually go by their own names.

They are Common Man Heroes. They tend to be tough, hit hard, and come out of nowhere to screw up your best plans. They don't have powers or gadgets, but can outsmart standard henchmen and throw a large monkeywrench into the works. In fact, some Common Man Heroes become so effective in stopping villainous plans that their simple, two-word name becomes a maddening thing to hear.

Three examples that already sends chills down the spine of villains are: James Bond, John McClane, and Jack Bauer. Shivering? You should be.

So when one of your henchmen goes missing, and the name of the person who answers on the other end of your communicator sounds like that of a normal schmoe, be very careful. Or you might end up on the wrong side of the phrase, "Yippee-Ki-yay, Motherfucker."

Possible Supervillain Origin occurring...

2010-01-19T08:52:00.000-08:00

There are specific things that can contribute to someone becoming a Supervillain. Ironically, they're usually the same things that can cause someone to become a superhero. Tragedy, Loss, Possibly a murder, sometimes abuse from authority figures, etc. It's a delicate balance, and you can become a superhero, Supervillain, or alternately you can become a serial killer or an emotionally stunted basket case.

Somewhere in Arizona there's a little boy walking that fine tightrope.

He's lost his father, he's killed, he's (seemingly) taken responsibility for his actions, and he was only an 8-year-old when he did it. When he's released from the Psychiatric treatments at age 18, We could see a new Supervillain begin his rise to power. Hopefully he has the will to make it through with his ego intact.

A New Punctuation Mark. Yeah, that's what the world needs...

2010-01-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

OK, I use sarcasm at least 3 times a week, and I know people who use it every other sentence. But do we really need a new piece of punctuation just to denote sarcasm?

Probably not. I think it's kinda stupid. Part of the fun of using sarcasm in a text-based forum is to see how many people get it just based on the text. And paying money for a punctuation mark? Anybody remember the Interrobang? No? And that one was free.

The SarcMark would reduce scathing sarcasm to a level just above biting wit. What self-respecting supervillain would dumb down his text by inserting a punctuation mark that by definition dumbs down sarcastic sentences by making them obvious?

Yeah, this is a great idea, As good as surrendering stolen scientific equipment to the nearest superhero(Insert SarcMark Here)

Doomsday Being Averted, Evil Cultists Cry in Their Beer.

2010-01-15T21:44:00.000-08:00

According to the experts, The Earth has taken significant steps toward World Peace.

Fortunately all these steps have only added up to taking a minute off of the Doomsday Clock.
No, that's not the thing around Flava Flav's neck, it's the yardstick by which we measure how close to nuclear annihilation we are. (Clock? Yardstick? Boy, am I mixing metaphors today!)

So instead of being 5 minutes from Doomsday, we're six minutes away. So if you're a Doomsayer of any sort, cheer up, we're nowhere near out of the woods.

Personally, I don't mind world peace, as long as I'm in charge. I like the Earth, it's where I keep all my stuff.

Texts from the Future? Excellent!

2010-01-14T06:02:00.000-08:00

Apparently some people are receiving texts from the year 2016.

Personally I'm waiting for 2 key texts from my future self. First, the numbers for the next 10 big lottery wins, and second, the precise moment to enact my master plan to ensure my rise to global domination.

Oh, and so much for the 2012 end of the world. Suck it, Mayans!

Up Evil! Two Sites Celebrating the Virtue-Impaired

2010-01-13T05:14:00.000-08:00

Hey, You!

You in the dark cloak with the deathray! Yeah, you. You can't hope to get a leg up in the supervillain world totally alone. Join up with an evil organization, or you'll end up on the wrong end of a flamethrower one day. Go check out R.O.A.C.H., and The ISS. These two sites know what they're doing.

The Ruthless Organization Against Citizen Heroes, or R.O.A.C.H., hopes to gather enough villains to make Real Life Superheroes a thing of the past. Or of the grave, whichever is easier.

The International Society of Supervillains presents news both ridiculous and sublime with a villainous hook, re-cuts movies into 4-panel comics for maximum enjoyment, and is generally your one-stop shop for evil information. They understand that misery loves comedy.

Please allow me to RE-introduce myself....

2010-01-11T17:50:00.001-08:00

I have been remiss in my introductory duties. I am THE ComputerKing, the Supervillain of Podcasting. I'll be using this Blog as my text-based Pulpit of Evil, To keep it separate from my (Soon to re-emerge from hiatus) Podcast, Into the Dark, at www.computerkingonline.com

It's a bit like Google allowing Youtube to handle the whole video angle, since Google Video tanked like a Keanu Reeves SciFi Love Story.... (Lake House my ass, More like Crap Hole. Glad I avoided it)

So from now on if I'm going to type it, I'll put it here. if I have the time to say it, edit it, and save it to an MP3, It'll be over at Into the Dark.

I hope to be more prolific now.

Stay Evil!

Note: The following man is NOT a Super-Villain

2010-01-11T11:54:00.000-08:00

I just want the general public to take note: The actions of Richard Heene are not the plottings of a Super-Villain, or even those of a well-intentioned Henchman.

They are the idiotic works of a douche. Plain and simple. What kind of father pretends to let his son float away inside a giant balloon, and doesn't make any plans to sneak the kid INTO the balloon when it finally goes to ground? A dumb one, that's what kind. What, did he think he could get away with it? That nobody would ever look into the reasons why the kid hid in the attic? At least in "kid down a well" stories you can SEE or HEAR the kid in the well.

If you want publicity, don't do something that involves the Police or any authorities. If you want a jail sentence, do what this idiot did.

I repeat: Richard Heene, NOT a Super-Villain.

Anti-Social Networking... 3 examples of Online Idiocy

2010-01-11T09:25:00.000-08:00

Now here are some people who need their Internet access revoked. For sheer supidity.

Example 1: Nerd, 16, seeking 42-year-old cougar...

Example 2: Escaped Convict updates his Facebook while on the run

Example 3: Twitter-Twitter-Bang-Bang

Very Interesting...

2010-01-05T07:14:00.000-08:00

There seems to be a follower of S.A.V.E.

Excellent. I will have to do more here...